Is He The One? Wedding Jitters.

Building for the future:

We have probably all asked ourselves the question, is he the one? or indeed, is she the one? It's natural to have wedding jitters so don't feel bad. Marriage is a big step and it's natural to want to make sure it's with the right person.

So, in light of that I would like to introduce you to two lovely people I got talking too recently through an interview I did for another website.

Their names are Dave and Liz and they run a great website called 2-in-2-1, so read on and see what you think.

The following is from the interview Dave recently gave me, which I have called, Is He The One?:

Helen: Hi Dave, what do you find newly engaged couples tend to focus most on?

Dave: Well, it’s natural in these cost conscious times that young couples decide to try and be sensible about the costs. Getting married involves lots of careful planning, searching for the right services and it is natural to try to do this at as low a cost as possible.

It is easy to get caught up in the moment, especially as a great deal of preparation is required for this important milestone in life.

Helen: During the lead up to the wedding, do you think couples tend to focus more on the wedding than their lives together after the wedding?

Dave: The wedding is a milestone, not a destination! Beyond the wedding there is a lifetime to look forward to, and however much couples may long for the Hollywood romantic dream of “happy ever after”, the reality is that it will be a journey of change for both of them.

Helen: So what can you do to prepare for marriage, beyond the wedding?

Dave: The first thing is REALLY getting to know each other. You may well think that you have already done this – perhaps you’ve been together for several years – but there will still be areas in which you don’t communicate – indeed there may even be areas you avoid because you know you have different views or values.

One of the best ways to really open up communication is using a Relationship Inventory. You can do this with a facilitator to help and encourage you both, or use the Couple Check-up if you prefer to do it just as a couple.

You each answer a series of questions online about your views and background, and will then get feedback on the real strengths in your relationship, and those areas where you can grow together.

Helen: Do you think young couples will embrace this method of getting to know each other, as it is not something that would normally be talked about openly?

Dave: Every new stage in life requires new skills – school gives us the basics like reading and arithmetic, we take a driving test before being allowed out solo in a car, most jobs have specific training, and even first time mums and dads get pre-natal classes to help them cope!

There are skills needed for marriage too – understanding and avoiding the negative patterns of behaviour that erode love, building positive communication that affirms and supports, and understanding how to resolve conflict constructively all help you to develop the resilience to deal with the changes that life will inevitably bring along.

Couples may want to study some of these things alone in their own space, but many find the company and encouragement of others a real help and there are many providers of Marriage Preparation courses most of which are free and will give them a great start.

Helen: What can couples do to explore what marriage actually will mean to them?

Dave: For some couples the decision to get married may be a time of deeper reflection on life – what are we here for? Some organisations offer weekend programmes that really allow you to explore in depth what being married means – what your purpose in life as a couple is.

The weekends are very private (no group sharing etc), offering both plenty of input, and plenty of opportunity for you as a couple to reflect on the issues raised and to find your own vision for married life together. Many of the weekends are offered free with the opportunity to contribute to the costs if you found it of value.

Helen: Thank you Dave, do you have any final pearls of wisdom for my-cheap-wedding brides-to-be?

Dave: A wedding is a day, and you are planning it with care. A marriage lasts a lifetime - wouldn’t it be wise to invest a little time and effort in building the foundations for a healthy and vibrant relationship for the rest of your life?

I found talking to Dave very refreshing and personally I came away thinking, it's not so much a case of, is he the one? Rather it's a case of, do I know him well enough to decide is he the one?

So many people just get caught up in the “wedding” and focus on the decorations, photos and cake etc. and give very little thought to what being married will actually mean. Then it all hits you in the last few days before the big day with wedding jitters and you start to ask yourself that age old question, is he the one?

If any of this sounds familiar and you would like some more information on what Dave and Liz are doing to help young couples like you then you can check out their work at 2-in-2-1.

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